Isn't it amazing!!!!

I never cease to amaze myself at my inability to "get it"!  You know you hear or read something or experience it for years and then one morning you sit down after awaking with prayer for God to fill you with His Holy Spirit and help you throughout the day to go sit down for your morning study and there you finally "get it"!  It doesn't matter that you have been told for years, suddenly you understand.

I can assure you that with me I can hear a hundred people tell me something or explain something but only when my God reveals it to me do I understand and sometimes I just reach out and slap myself up side the head and say, "you idiot."  That was what happened this morning. 

It began with a question, "Have you ever been angry at someone for not being as supportive as you would have liked?  Well of course the way I am wired my answer was a great big Yes!  Then the comment, If so, could it be that God wanted you to find strength in Him by yourself?  And next can you now forgive that person for not being there as you thought they should be?  Isn't it amazing how someone can ask questions and the light shines on the screen in vivid color and you finally get something that you never thought about before?  I certainly did.  My advice is don't walk to Jesus, Run!!!  I have experienced of late going to God and telling him my pain and troubles and trying my best to just let Him resolve it.  It was such a relief and a really good feeling when I seemingly had that victory.  And I do believe it was a partial one.  I never took it to anyone but slowly but surely I would let bits and pieces be said.  So to me that was not a full victory.  When I can take my hurt feelings or whatever it is I am dealing with and go to the Lord and leave it there and not tell another soul my feelings then I will know God has given me a complete victory.

My husband is the other half of me.  When God made us one I believe He made us one. There does not seem to be too many things that I cannot just burst out and confide in him even when it makes me show myself in a completely ugly light and that was what I did last night.  I just let it all out.  All those pent up horrible feelings that I would never want another person to know about.  It was ugly and I surely felt even worse for having voiced them out loud only I was seeking to know and understand why I felt that way, and for that reason, I believe God understood and let me be able to do it. Eddie did not see me as the way I felt  I was......bad to the bone.

For over four months now we have hashed and rehashed a problem which I have sought answers with tears and heart ache and much prayer.  The odd thing is my pastor and Eddie both have given me an opinion that I just could not seem to grasp.  This morning God revealed it to me and the tears that I have not been able to shed for days came and washed me as if being cleansed.  I don't know about anybody else but for me if I can just have a good cry it will relieve pressure like seemingly nothing else can.  And I have been like a pressure cooker building steam all week and just could not get any relief.  Oh! my God is Amazing and Faithful and Merciful and Long suffering.

God loves me and when I willfully sin and refuse to truly repent sin will separate me from Him.  He still loves me but a wall stands between me and His fellowship.  I built that wall.  He did not.  He doesn't crash through that wall and throw His arms around me and beg me to come back to Him.  He stands there with His arms open waiting for me to fall on my face and run back to Him.  I have been there many times and I have experienced this.  I know it as well as I know the back of my hand.

Why would I feel that I am better than God?  Or my way is better than His?  I don't but I definitely was acting like it.  I have feelings of disillusionment, anger, and just plain don't like someone and then GUILT.  As I analyze the situation, I don't like the person's attitude and actions but I dearly love the person.  I could not understand how I can just stand and not reach out and yet not make the person feel unloved.  It has been an ongoing issue.  I want to run rescue show affection and love, correct and fix the problem.  God doesn't.  He just remains there.....faithful, merciful, loving, long suffering and the instant "we get it" he forgives, and literally bathes us in His love and pours His mercy and blessings over us and heals our wounds and gives us blessed understanding. 

I think now I can begin to act and feel as God would have me to in this situation and leave that guilt somewhere else. Maybe in all situations but especially this one that has eaten me alive for months.  I am not judge and oh how I plead with God to help me not judge people.  I do love with a heart of God in that I am His child and His Spirit indwells me and gives me the ability to love.  And when the actions demand a break in fellowship for the good of that person that has chosen to build the wall, then I must simply love, pray and wait until they "get it."

Once again, "Lord please let me have the mind of Christ." And thank you for your faithfulness in answering prayers and giving strength that only you can give.  Thank you for loving me and showing me your power, mercy and faithfulness in my life.  Thank you Lord for being God and God alone and there is none other like you.