February 26, 2010
The day began as it usually does, waking up to the alarm clock sounding its appeal, stretching and pleading to myself not to roll over and snuggle down in the warm covers once more. Alex lays with her eyes closed appearing to be in sweet slumber. However, duty demands we get ready and go to school.
I have now called her three times, gently at first and then more urgently, as she does not stir. "Guess I will have to go get some ice water and throw on somebody," I tease and that sweet smile that always wraps itself around my heart spreads across her face.
Eddie called and checked in from New Mexico where he will work for the next seven days, and as we discuss the business of the day, Alex brings the brush for me to brush her hair. As I lay down the phone, the call finished, she wraps her arms around my neck and holds her face close to mine and says, "Mee Maw I love you." Laughing into those blue eyes, I reply, "no you don't."
She squeezes my neck a little tighter and tells me, "yes she does."
What simple gestures of love can bring joy into life on a cold rainy morning. This is the day that the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Alex has been delivered safely to school, the mail posted and the banking done and once more home with a steaming cup of coffee.
Thunder sounds in the distance and the sky grows more dark as the sound of rain begins to fall on the roof. No sounds of the Wii game, or cartoons, no chatter just the sound of the refrigerator humming and the flickers of flames surrounding the logs in the wood burning stove catch my eye as this new day begins.
Reflections of yesterday cross my mind and the need to share lessons learned tug at the finger tips with desire to put into words impressions received.
My friend and I were going to a luncheon presented by a Financial group for Valentine's Day, that had been postponed due to an unusual event of snow the week before.
As my friend and I entered the building the wind whipped at our hair. I hurriedly spoke to our financial advisers on my way to my familiar first stop, the ladies room. There I found my hair was dangling. Quickly the clasp was replaced, skirt smoothed, and a self assured face (I definitely did not feel )was plastered on as I returned to the dining room.
There were large round tables set up in the room and ours was next to a Harp. The lovely girl played beautifully for us as we waited for our meal to be served. There were about nine at our table which two were men of our financial group. The other were ladies that kept a good flow of conversation going and all was comfortable and pleasant.
Having not attended many formal occasions it was not apparent to me which fork to use for the salad. Do I use the short tonged one or the long tonged one. My home making lessons of 50 years ago alluded me somewhat. However being the brave soul I am, I waited and watched until the lady next to me picked up the short fork. I have no idea if she knew either, but she seemed self assured so I followed suit. Having known what to do and how to act in a graceful manner, we made it through the wonderful meal with polite and consistent conversation which I persevered to not talk too much. Whether I made my goal or not would be for someone else to reveal. I did try and to me seemed to accomplish my goal.
As we left the dinner to go home, I replied to my friend, "Well, I don't feel I was dressed too dowdy. Her answer to my comment was OK!
I forgot to go by the doctor's office and pick up my prescription. I bit my tongue to speak what I was feeling which was really mean. And yes I seethed most of the way home.
When I got home my daughter was emptying feed into the barrels and I shouted for her to wait and not leave until I could speak to her.
I bounded through the garage door and out the back door, down the hill to the barn and with my hands on my hips declared not to quietly, "do I look dowdy?" Always with my child a question is answered with a question. "Why?" I explained and she laughed and said no mama you look great or something close, which appeased me. I told her I didn't want a compliment I wanted the truth and she reassured me that I looked fine.
Later in our study of Esther by Beth Moore, as the video session began the topic of "mean women" came up. It was like someone slapped me with a wet rag. She said when we get these mean feelings and want to chew someone up and spit them out it is because a woman feels threatened. Either we are rejected, insecure, someone walks on our turf, or something else that has made us feel threatened. And certain times of the month we really get mean. Can you relate?
It suddenly dawned on me that I was the prime example for tonights lesson. I felt mean because I was insecure and my friend did not validate me.
Our lesson was to always ask ourselves when we are feeling mean or angry, "why?" I hope I can learn from this lesson and let it work itself in my life. I hope this might enlighten someone else as it did me and for this reason you have my confession of being the "mean spirited woman."
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
February 24, 2010
Walking out on the back porch to let Sandy out for the morning duties absolutely jarred my already scrambled emotions. The sun could not shine any brighter upon the remaining snow from last nights dusting or perhaps it was just heavy frost laying upon the grass. Rain drips from the eves of the roof and water droplets glisten on the corral fence where yesterday snow lay across the top of the pipe on the corral. In the shelter of the house the cold didn't bite as it did yesterday. It was a refreshing coolness that set in around my body and it was as if Jesus spoke to me and said, "Maybe, just maybe you should have woke up and thanked me for the day."
I don't wish to wallow in my grief or run away from my pain and I definitely do not want others to think I am something I am not. Do not all humans hurt, bleed, have needs, struggle within themselves? I do. I hurt, I bleed, I grieve, I fear, I doubt, I cry, I deal with confusion. I pray for answers and do not get a bolt from heaven at that time and I ask God, do I believe you? Not do I believe in you, but do I believe you. Who is in control here? Me? You? And all the old emotions begin to rumble, I cry, I want to run away, I want to talk to someone that I feel knows more than me and perhaps have experienced more than me and came out the victor. So I pull myself out of bed determined to go write the story of my life and see if that brings me any sort of answers.
And then I walked outside to the glorious morning that the Lord hath made and I rejoiced in it and I was glad.
Just as those drops hit the edge of the concrete porch and bounce up in the air like tiny Styrofoam balls our inner most feelings do the same. We all have the opportunity to look at the weather and ask ourselves the question; "are we like the weather?"
Yesterday it was cold, the wind was bitter, the rain came down as punishment rather than blessings as it pelted our faces while we ran from the car to a building and found shelter from the blowing snow/rain mix that was unmerciful as it blew against us. And my friends this was in Texas at 37 degrees.
This reminds me of the scriptures in Jeremiah 12:5, where it states, "If thou hast run with the footmen, and they have wearied thee, then how canst thou contend with horses? and if in the land of peace, wherein thou trustedst, they wearied thee, then how wilt thou do in the swelling of Jordan?
My life is like the game where you looked behind the doors to see what was there but you had to choose the door without knowing what lay behind it. The only difference is the makers of the program put the wonderful prizes behind those doors. Perhaps my question is what lays behind those doors if we dare to open them? God is in control of what is behind those doors. We can see the door. It may be wood or metal. It could be painted any color imaginable. The material it is made of could be strong, weak or ready to disintegrate. If we put our hands on the knob and pull on the door it might open or it might not. It could be locked.
Who has the key? Who has the knowledge and wisdom to reach out and open that door? If we choose to force the door open, what lies beyond it may be our worst nightmare. However, if we give our will to the Lord to choose and open the door then behind it will most assuridly be blessings untold.
Why can't I get it? Our son made the statement this morning that "why is it we keep doing the same things over and over again and expect different results." Why do we?
I will end this with my personal prayer that I do not mind sharing with anyone that might read anything I have to say.
Oh Lord my sovereign God, please take my evil heart and cleanse it and make it new in order that you can be seen in me. Lord let me seek your truth and not my own. Let me look for your ways and not mine. Please father help me to stay so focused on you and your truth that I will not look on others around me and judge them. Some day you will set me up as judge during your reign on earth but for now it is not my place to make judgements but only yours. Let me realize Father that you are in control of all things and all things happen for a purpose and let me accept those as your will. Help me to remember that I cannot change one jot or one tittle what will transpire in the life of my beloved baby and she will survive whatever comes upon her just as I have because you are in control. Take our children and let them know the love you have shown me and teach them your ways the way you have taught me. Protect them, mature them and let them love you better than I do. Never will I say let them do as I do. Always I want better for them and our grandchildren and our two little great grands. Thank you Lord for permitting Eddie and I to live to see these precious souls born and living their individual lives and for finally letting us realize that the only control we have in those lives is by the way we live through you.
For yours is the power and the glory forever, in Christ's Holy name I pray
Amen
I don't wish to wallow in my grief or run away from my pain and I definitely do not want others to think I am something I am not. Do not all humans hurt, bleed, have needs, struggle within themselves? I do. I hurt, I bleed, I grieve, I fear, I doubt, I cry, I deal with confusion. I pray for answers and do not get a bolt from heaven at that time and I ask God, do I believe you? Not do I believe in you, but do I believe you. Who is in control here? Me? You? And all the old emotions begin to rumble, I cry, I want to run away, I want to talk to someone that I feel knows more than me and perhaps have experienced more than me and came out the victor. So I pull myself out of bed determined to go write the story of my life and see if that brings me any sort of answers.
And then I walked outside to the glorious morning that the Lord hath made and I rejoiced in it and I was glad.
Just as those drops hit the edge of the concrete porch and bounce up in the air like tiny Styrofoam balls our inner most feelings do the same. We all have the opportunity to look at the weather and ask ourselves the question; "are we like the weather?"
Yesterday it was cold, the wind was bitter, the rain came down as punishment rather than blessings as it pelted our faces while we ran from the car to a building and found shelter from the blowing snow/rain mix that was unmerciful as it blew against us. And my friends this was in Texas at 37 degrees.
This reminds me of the scriptures in Jeremiah 12:5, where it states, "If thou hast run with the footmen, and they have wearied thee, then how canst thou contend with horses? and if in the land of peace, wherein thou trustedst, they wearied thee, then how wilt thou do in the swelling of Jordan?
My life is like the game where you looked behind the doors to see what was there but you had to choose the door without knowing what lay behind it. The only difference is the makers of the program put the wonderful prizes behind those doors. Perhaps my question is what lays behind those doors if we dare to open them? God is in control of what is behind those doors. We can see the door. It may be wood or metal. It could be painted any color imaginable. The material it is made of could be strong, weak or ready to disintegrate. If we put our hands on the knob and pull on the door it might open or it might not. It could be locked.
Who has the key? Who has the knowledge and wisdom to reach out and open that door? If we choose to force the door open, what lies beyond it may be our worst nightmare. However, if we give our will to the Lord to choose and open the door then behind it will most assuridly be blessings untold.
Why can't I get it? Our son made the statement this morning that "why is it we keep doing the same things over and over again and expect different results." Why do we?
I will end this with my personal prayer that I do not mind sharing with anyone that might read anything I have to say.
Oh Lord my sovereign God, please take my evil heart and cleanse it and make it new in order that you can be seen in me. Lord let me seek your truth and not my own. Let me look for your ways and not mine. Please father help me to stay so focused on you and your truth that I will not look on others around me and judge them. Some day you will set me up as judge during your reign on earth but for now it is not my place to make judgements but only yours. Let me realize Father that you are in control of all things and all things happen for a purpose and let me accept those as your will. Help me to remember that I cannot change one jot or one tittle what will transpire in the life of my beloved baby and she will survive whatever comes upon her just as I have because you are in control. Take our children and let them know the love you have shown me and teach them your ways the way you have taught me. Protect them, mature them and let them love you better than I do. Never will I say let them do as I do. Always I want better for them and our grandchildren and our two little great grands. Thank you Lord for permitting Eddie and I to live to see these precious souls born and living their individual lives and for finally letting us realize that the only control we have in those lives is by the way we live through you.
For yours is the power and the glory forever, in Christ's Holy name I pray
Amen
Sunday, February 21, 2010
This is all so new to me!
In my blog I hope it will not be all about me but that just maybe it will be something to lift and encourage others just like me.
Tonight Erin sang this song and the words were so perfect. So many times we listen to the singer or the music and miss the words.
How many times have I sat down and cried because I remembered the wounds or saw the scars? They are always with us no matter who we are and I do believe that once forgiven it is Satan that reminds us and tries to bring us to shame once more. I just wish I could look back on my life and see nothing but good but unfortunately that is not the case.
Another song comes to mind, roll back the curtain of memory now and then, show me where you brought me from and where I could have been.
Isn't God merciful and good? If anyone does read what I have written and perhaps you don't yet know the love of God and his mercy please let me tell you that He loves you and he is waiting to bless you with blessings untold. All you have to do is "confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
For whosoever calleth upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. " Romans 10:9,10, and 13.
Tonight Erin sang this song and the words were so perfect. So many times we listen to the singer or the music and miss the words.
How many times have I sat down and cried because I remembered the wounds or saw the scars? They are always with us no matter who we are and I do believe that once forgiven it is Satan that reminds us and tries to bring us to shame once more. I just wish I could look back on my life and see nothing but good but unfortunately that is not the case.
Another song comes to mind, roll back the curtain of memory now and then, show me where you brought me from and where I could have been.
Isn't God merciful and good? If anyone does read what I have written and perhaps you don't yet know the love of God and his mercy please let me tell you that He loves you and he is waiting to bless you with blessings untold. All you have to do is "confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
For whosoever calleth upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. " Romans 10:9,10, and 13.
Lyrics to the song by "Point of Grace"
I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place you brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stonewill sing
Of what you can redeem
heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
Don't let me forget
Everything You've don for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering
Heal the wound but leave the scar
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place you brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stonewill sing
Of what you can redeem
heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
Don't let me forget
Everything You've don for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering
Heal the wound but leave the scar
Sometimes He Calms the Storm
Written by Tony Wood and Kevin Stokes
All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control
Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered "Peace be still"
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms His child
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place
All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control
Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered "Peace be still"
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms His child
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place
Saturday, February 20, 2010
I can only Imagine
I can only Imagine
Everytime I hear the song I can only Imagine, the verse touches the very depth of my soul goes something like this. Will I dance with you Jesus, will I look upon your face, will I sing hallelujah, will I fall upon my face? I can only imagine.
The photo shows God's handi work and it just seems to fit my thoughts. As I began my day my mind was troubled and my heart broken and I could only imagine.....
As I dropped into my easy chair to begin my last day of study on "Esther" for this week, He amazed me once more. First conviction, then a broken heart, then came my lesson for today.
Lord help me to "walk a fine line of moderation without making others feel judged" by me.
Question: "Why do you think the King chose Esther?" My answer. The way she was dressed may have caught his attention. A woman can dress in a manner that leaves nothing to the imagination or she can dress in a manner that is cute and modest. I believe Esther's beauty was more than skin deep because she lived a lifestyle that revealed the spirit that resided in her.
Ahauserus or Xerses had his choice of the fairest of women in the land. They had the choice to take with them and do whatever they felt would win the favor of the King and become his Queen.
Isn't it amazing that Esther chose to take only what was offered to her by the Kings servant and upon his advice? And from all accounts she walked in before him clothed in humility, submission, compassion and innocense and rang that Kings bell.
Oh if only women could realize that a man wants a whore for a night but a wife for a lifetime. If someway we could impress this to our young girls.
Any quotes are from Beth Moore's study of Esther.
Everytime I hear the song I can only Imagine, the verse touches the very depth of my soul goes something like this. Will I dance with you Jesus, will I look upon your face, will I sing hallelujah, will I fall upon my face? I can only imagine.
The photo shows God's handi work and it just seems to fit my thoughts. As I began my day my mind was troubled and my heart broken and I could only imagine.....
As I dropped into my easy chair to begin my last day of study on "Esther" for this week, He amazed me once more. First conviction, then a broken heart, then came my lesson for today.
Lord help me to "walk a fine line of moderation without making others feel judged" by me.
Question: "Why do you think the King chose Esther?" My answer. The way she was dressed may have caught his attention. A woman can dress in a manner that leaves nothing to the imagination or she can dress in a manner that is cute and modest. I believe Esther's beauty was more than skin deep because she lived a lifestyle that revealed the spirit that resided in her.
Ahauserus or Xerses had his choice of the fairest of women in the land. They had the choice to take with them and do whatever they felt would win the favor of the King and become his Queen.
Isn't it amazing that Esther chose to take only what was offered to her by the Kings servant and upon his advice? And from all accounts she walked in before him clothed in humility, submission, compassion and innocense and rang that Kings bell.
Oh if only women could realize that a man wants a whore for a night but a wife for a lifetime. If someway we could impress this to our young girls.
Any quotes are from Beth Moore's study of Esther.
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