February 24, 2010

Walking out on the back porch to let Sandy out for the morning duties absolutely jarred my already scrambled emotions. The sun could not shine any brighter upon the remaining snow from last nights dusting or perhaps it was just heavy frost laying upon the grass. Rain drips from the eves of the roof and water droplets glisten on the corral fence where yesterday snow lay across the top of the pipe on the corral. In the shelter of the house the cold didn't bite as it did yesterday. It was a refreshing coolness that set in around my body and it was as if Jesus spoke to me and said, "Maybe, just maybe you should have woke up and thanked me for the day."

I don't wish to wallow in my grief or run away from my pain and I definitely do not want others to think I am something I am not. Do not all humans hurt, bleed, have needs, struggle within themselves? I do. I hurt, I bleed, I grieve, I fear, I doubt, I cry, I deal with confusion. I pray for answers and do not get a bolt from heaven at that time and I ask God, do I believe you? Not do I believe in you, but do I believe you. Who is in control here? Me? You? And all the old emotions begin to rumble, I cry, I want to run away, I want to talk to someone that I feel knows more than me and perhaps have experienced more than me and came out the victor. So I pull myself out of bed determined to go write the story of my life and see if that brings me any sort of answers.

And then I walked outside to the glorious morning that the Lord hath made and I rejoiced in it and I was glad.

Just as those drops hit the edge of the concrete porch and bounce up in the air like tiny Styrofoam balls our inner most feelings do the same. We all have the opportunity to look at the weather and ask ourselves the question; "are we like the weather?"

Yesterday it was cold, the wind was bitter, the rain came down as punishment rather than blessings as it pelted our faces while we ran from the car to a building and found shelter from the blowing snow/rain mix that was unmerciful as it blew against us. And my friends this was in Texas at 37 degrees.

This reminds me of the scriptures in Jeremiah 12:5, where it states, "If thou hast run with the footmen, and they have wearied thee, then how canst thou contend with horses? and if in the land of peace, wherein thou trustedst, they wearied thee, then how wilt thou do in the swelling of Jordan?

My life is like the game where you looked behind the doors to see what was there but you had to choose the door without knowing what lay behind it. The only difference is the makers of the program put the wonderful prizes behind those doors. Perhaps my question is what lays behind those doors if we dare to open them? God is in control of what is behind those doors. We can see the door. It may be wood or metal. It could be painted any color imaginable. The material it is made of could be strong, weak or ready to disintegrate. If we put our hands on the knob and pull on the door it might open or it might not. It could be locked.

Who has the key? Who has the knowledge and wisdom to reach out and open that door? If we choose to force the door open, what lies beyond it may be our worst nightmare. However, if we give our will to the Lord to choose and open the door then behind it will most assuridly be blessings untold.

Why can't I get it? Our son made the statement this morning that "why is it we keep doing the same things over and over again and expect different results." Why do we?

I will end this with my personal prayer that I do not mind sharing with anyone that might read anything I have to say.

Oh Lord my sovereign God, please take my evil heart and cleanse it and make it new in order that you can be seen in me. Lord let me seek your truth and not my own. Let me look for your ways and not mine. Please father help me to stay so focused on you and your truth that I will not look on others around me and judge them. Some day you will set me up as judge during your reign on earth but for now it is not my place to make judgements but only yours. Let me realize Father that you are in control of all things and all things happen for a purpose and let me accept those as your will. Help me to remember that I cannot change one jot or one tittle what will transpire in the life of my beloved baby and she will survive whatever comes upon her just as I have because you are in control. Take our children and let them know the love you have shown me and teach them your ways the way you have taught me. Protect them, mature them and let them love you better than I do. Never will I say let them do as I do. Always I want better for them and our grandchildren and our two little great grands. Thank you Lord for permitting Eddie and I to live to see these precious souls born and living their individual lives and for finally letting us realize that the only control we have in those lives is by the way we live through you.

For yours is the power and the glory forever, in Christ's Holy name I pray
Amen