Have you ever cleaned up your storage area to find a box of treasures?

This was my grand mother's file cabinet. She handled all the finances, receipts,bills etc. But she also saved every card they received.  In this worn tattered bag are documents where her father deeded over land, prepared his funeral expenses and actually his will. All of her business went into her file cabinet. I wonder if this was why I always have a box for all my receipts to sort come tax season.

She was diligent to clean house, work flower beds, cook three square meals and provide for not only my mother and me but we had her mother with us also.

She was a really good disciplinarian. 

She stood at the front door shaking out her mop and quickly drew my attention. "Lillian Marie come out from under that wagon and get yourself in this house."

Me and another little boy were playing cowboys and Indians,   I couldn't have been more than 5. 

She was also very moral minded.

She kept my grandfather lined out on our camping trips to be with his brother, sister and family every summer.  It would seem 

My grand mother was quiet, modest, house keeper, mother to both her own child and for seven years,helped raise her granddaughter while my mother worked to care for us.

This Morning on the Church pew.

 This morning once again the church services on TV replaced the empty pew that most always would have me sitting on it.  It is going on three months now this saga in my life and so many questions have been asked and so many prayers to somehow end up today with the words from Charles Stanley.  Sometimes we have to come to the end of ourselves before God can bless us.  He blesses us when we are obedient to his commands and so many times we have no idea what form of blessing that will be.

Another pastor preached that the things man hold in the greatest esteem mean nothing to God, as matter of fact he made the comment they are an abomination to God.  The words out of context are not as profound as in his sermon.  We esteem silver and gold, precious stones yet in heaven gold is pavement and walls are precious stones and gates are giant pearls.  Yet here on earth we look to these things for security and pleasure yet these will not be treasures we lay up in heaven.  No matter how much gold we have or other riches in this life they are wood, hay, and stubble as far as what will be considered when our works are tried by fire.  What are we doing for the love of Christ?  Are our motives to look good or have people praise us?  God stole away to places to pray with his father and not before men.  Do we take our prayers and go to the closet and pray in earnest as we have been told to do?

If we can just reach one with our witness it will be as much treasure to cast at Jesus feet as those that witness to thousands when that one accepts Christ as Lord and Savior.

How many of us want to do great and wonderful things for the Lord and when we see ashes instead of beauty we are disappointed and feel we are a failure for Christ?  How many times have we jumped out there and performed tasks and then when no results turn around and ask God why?  Did we wait for him to lead in those things?  Perhaps this is why the warning to discern the spirit and see whose it is.  In our flesh we can do nothing but in Christ we can do all things.

In my life I believe the heart is deceitful above all things and when I step out on what I believe to be faith and put things out there for others to see or speak to those I love about things I know to be true the question comes to me....who am I doing this for in my heart?  I believe that it is that the Lord would be glorified but in somewhere down in that deceitful heart did I want to share the glory with Him?  God does not want to share the glory.  He wants it for himself and in due time he will reward us for deeds done that will last in heaven.

Today I am asking myself if I am to spend the rest of my life unable to go and perform in the way I always have;  will I glorify the Lord?  Will I be as the girl in the wheel chair that has no use of her arms?  Will I still go forward or will I stand still?  One thing I am certain life will go on.  The sun will rise and set, seasons will come and go and those left behind will continue on.  I am expedient. 

Lill's song

Verse Psalm 30:5

I sang to the Lord a song from my heart, but to another must come the music.

I gave my heart to Jesus and today I sing for him, “For his anger endures but a moment,

in his favor is life,

weeping may endure for a night

but joy comes in the morning.

Lord I know what it’s like to weep in the night when trouble looms over my soul and I scream out in anger and guilt takes control, then Lord as it shakes and confuses me I think and am unkind.  I reach out to hurt the ones who are hurting me, then realize that love has been left behind.

Then Lord you remind me of whose I am and I toss and turn like a ship on stormy seas, I can’t see the horizon Father, all I see is me.

For his anger endures for a moment, in his favor is life, weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

The chains wrap around me, my soul pleads let go.  Lord it is you I love, please take away this woe.

For his anger endures for a moment, in his favor is life, weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Through my window begin the morning light and this dreaded night is over and once more I am set free because

His anger endures for a moment,

in his favor is life,

weeping may endure for a night,

but joy comes in the morning.

Joy comes in the morning, my Lord just showed me so.

Sandy

Driving home from Mt. Enterprise today watching the leaves begin to fall as the wind blew against the car. The sun was shining and the temperature was more like summer than fall. 

My mind drifted back to the loss of our dog Sandy.  This Christmas she would not pick her favorite spot underneath the Christmas tree to lie down before the packages crowded her out.  The vet walked in and with Sandy in his arms asking if I wanted to come in and hold her and I told him I didn't think I could handle that.  He said, "come give her a hug and kiss goodbye."  I held my emotions in check because being wired as I am once the release came there would be no turning it off.

Once again walking back into the empty house another memory came of the time our daughter walked into the kitchen after I came home from work.  "Mama I hate coming home to an empty house."  I was not sorry to see the job end when the position was no longer needed.

There is something nostalgic about Fall and is easy to become sad.  When thinking of my lifetime and all the blessings we have had then sadness quickly turns to thankfulness.  A lifetime mate, three healthy beautiful children, five grandchildren, and three great grandchildren as well as those we chose as grandchildren.   Lifetime friends, and too many pets to recall, yet Sandy will always be the most special of all.  She was only five months old when our last granddaughter was born and they were constant companions. Sandy wanted to share everything that belonged to Alex.  We took Alex out of the car seat and Sandy immediately replaced her. She loved us all unconditionally and every morning as Eddie sat down to put on his socks she would walk over roll over on her back waiting for him to acknowledge her presence.  He won't have anyone to worship him now as he puts on his socks.  No longer will she lie in front of the wood burning fireplace. Sandy was most faithful and loyal.  Unconditional love for us all.  She will be missed she was my dog but she will not remain a sad memory but a beautiful blessing of thirteen years.

Mama's trip to Gatlinburg

The trip to Gatlinburg was quite an event for my 75 year old mother.  First, she had never ridden on an airplane before.  We took the big bird from Dallas to Knoxville and she was pretty cool with it all.  Then we got on a puddle jumper that even I had never ridden before going from Knoxville into Gatlinburg.  It might have had a total of 10 seats.  I mean the legs that held the seats were little round camping chair looking outfits.  There was a curtain where normally the cabin door for the pilot stands.  As we ran down the run way the little beeping sounds came from the cabin and she reached around behind her and grabbed my knee.  I assured her everything was just fine, as I prayed please Lord don’t let us crash.  I had never ridden anything this small and did not know what to expect either.

We arrived and got the rental car and off we went.  Now another curve in the story, pun intended.  The road was switchback curves most of the way. I for one am not good with motion sickness which suddenly overtakes mama too.  Finally we pass this hurdle and we have climbed the mountain and are in the valley where old log cabins, a creek and gorgeous wild flowers surround us.  As we toured mama walked inside the cabin and began to relive her youth.  Her eyes took it all in and she almost caressed the old stove and the other implements of another time, “That was just like the one we had back on the farm”, she would say.  Eddie recalled her walking by the creek and said she was just like a kid. 

Later we climbed up to where some huge flat rocks lay with a cavern behind.  She climbed up and was standing on top like King of the mountain and I was in a panic.  “Mama,” come down before you fall and break something.”  I thought your acting like a kid.  Ah! We have no idea what it is like be 75 when we are 50.  At 75 she could climb those rocks.  At 70 I cannot.  At 70 I ask myself, “Did I spoil that moment for her?”  Experience is the best teacher only sometimes those lessons come late.

Mama had a ball that day.  She was a young girl again at home with her parents in the times she remembered as good.  She was able once more to explore and climb rocks and feel the sun on her face and the wind teased her hair amongst the wild flowers.

Then the return flight home came and the vacation was coming to a close, however, the adventure was not.  The flight was oversold so they offered a $300.00 voucher if some would take a later flight from Knoxville to Dallas.  We had time so we took the offer, but it had to be for all three of us. Mama had already made it clear she did not want to be separated and neither did I.  They called her name and innocently I said OK mama go on we aren’t going to get to stay behind.  I told Eddie to go check this out and he as usual said it will be alright they will call us next and we will go.  We waited and the counter became empty with nobody to ask anything.  Then the final boarding call came.  I grabbed him by the arm and said do something, NOW!  The door to the gateway closed and the plane began to back out of the gate.  There was a big round carpet covered pillar standing there and I hauled off and hit that thing and thought I had broken my hand.  If I opened my mouth now that airport would have to leave.  So I grabbed my cell phone and ran to a corner and called our oldest daughter and finally got her on the line.  I explained mama was coming in on flight so and so, and please get to the airport and be at that gate when she got off that plane. 

 

I don’t know how long that flight was, maybe an hour, but if ever anyone was spending an hour in hell it was me and I wanted to throw one husband a little farther in the flames. 

Robert and Robin got mama and I am not sure she ever forgave Eddie for that and truthfully it took me a long time.  He didn’t do anything on purpose but as always with my passive husband he didn’t hustle and stop the thing either.  Oh the words that could have come from my mouth and my mother’s that day were mercifully never said or known.  I hope that comes under the heading of sin is not sin till it is conceived.  Mama never got on an airplane again and I don’t remember her telling others of her adventures to Gatlinburg, although she may have, but certainly not in front of me and Eddie.

But I know in my heart later after everything settled down she remembered the cabin, the creek and the wild flowers.

This ole House

You have heard, “if this ole house could talk!”  I have heard a few stories it could tell and we have a story.  Sally was one of my closest friends back in the 80’s and we took trips together and she taught me so much I don’t have time to write it all down.  But she taught me love for family and devotion to her husband.  She was a lady with many gifts and this was a photo of the beginning of their life together.  She spoke of the many letters she cherished and eagerly awaited while he was in the service.  She spoke of her loneliness and her fear.  How her son was born and growing when he first met his father, and the good and bad times of early years.  For her one wouldn’t notice the bad because they were so dim compared to the great light of things.  She was a good friend.

In 1982 we bought the home and Eddie and I gutted the insides and remodeled it together.  This was a time of growing and the cement that glued a marriage together.  This was OUR home.  We made decisions together, we worked shoulder to shoulder together, and loved it together.  It was our mountain top before some deep valleys came into our lives. 

Soon after we completed the renovation of the house our nest emptied again.  Our son left to begin his life and moved to Ft. Worth.  Another transition.

In this house Robin, our oldest graduated from Panola College and the lessons of life began.  I will never forget the day we moved her belongings to Tyler where she attended college.  Eddie came back down the side walk having hauled in the last piece of furniture and he looked as though someone had hit him in the stomach….Hard.  As this transition became easier we had many a good time and Robin sweetened our lives by bringing home the left overs of the day at the Yogurt place where she worked and for the most part with scholarships put herself through two years of college.  We loved the yogurt.  We loved our daughter.  She made us proud.  She graduated with honors and married the man she had begged God to send for her and they moved to Venus Texas where she began teaching history to 6^th graders.  She loved teaching and she loved those kids.  Another transition.

I best not name people because I will not go to the trouble to get permission to write down my memories in public.  I want some of the children to know their beginnings that perhaps do not remember. 

In 1985 Marcel came into our lives and a little man from Belgium came to spend six months with us.  This is a complete story of its own but this ole house could tell you about riding our horse, Eddie teaching him to drive a stick shift pick up through a narrow gate, working in the flower beds and a first time ever garden planted and kept with never a weed to show its ugly head all due to Marcel.  He brought joy into our lives as our first born graduated from college and married.   Our son marries and our first granddaughter came into the world and later by our second grandson.  The house could tell you the excitement the man brought as he told stories of the life in his country and was shown Texas from East to West and provided Eddie, Carol and I the opportunity to go to Europe and see Paris and Carol was allowed to stay and visit England.  Oh this was a glorious time this ole house could tell about. 

Now we were only three.  Carol and Suzie did everything together.  We had hay rides for Halloween, Easter egg hunts, Christmas time together with the Allums and the Turners and now Suzie and family.  Then Suzie’s parents were transferred to Dallas and Suzie came to live with us for the last year of school so she could graduate.  She lived in this ole house that soon after she stood in our living room and married.

  Eight years passed from the time we moved into this home and during that time we experienced so many precious memories. 

Carol married and we experienced the total empty nest and I wish I could say we had a beautiful time in life and all was good but it was hard.  Our children were the biggest part of our lives.  We were lost.  That first Christmas alone was a real killer.  But life continued and Carol left to move to Georgia and later had her first son.  I had never witnessed birth of human or animal.  Now was the time.  In the army hospital I stood behind a large plate glass window and watched our grandson come into this world as his father stood at our daughters head as they did a C section.  Had it not been for the window ledge holding me up I would have fainted.  Eddie missed all this fun because he came later.  Another great transition. 

Six months later Desert Storm took our son in law away and Carol came home.  I think he had only been in Germany a few days when another transition came and he was allowed to come back home to the funeral of that young teacher in Venus, Texas that left an emptiness that will never be filled but a joy unspeakable because we know where she is.  Her husband met and married a young woman and they had four children.  He and Robin in their brief five years had none.  When a marriage is a happy one the partner left behind will never be the same till he finds that happiness again and we were thankful that Robert found another not to take Robin’s place but another to live out his life with.

Suzie and Randy got married in this same living room of the house where Joe and Sally were married.  They were neighbors and knew each other well.  Randy had a little girl from a previous marriage and she was the flower girl.  It was a marvelous day.  I believe all four children were born in the house around the corner from us.  Today the little girl that was flower girl that day married and has two children of her own and they live in another state.  Suzie’s first born Emily was born in their first home in Longview, but I believe when they moved to the house around the curve from us and the boys Jacob, Bradley and William were born. 

Such a long time ago and now the old house cannot share anymore memories.  The solid 1 x 12 walls that withstood the test of time are no more.  The laughter of little girls, the sound of little boys running through her rooms, bride and groom, baby showers, Easter egg hunts, Thanksgiving  Dinners, Halloween hay rides,  Christmas trees, birthdays, babies being born, grandpa taking kids on tractor rides, boys running down the long road to pasture in their go carts, calves being led while pictured as a lamb, standing next to the three crosses overlooking the pond, friends traveling 200 miles to visit all are vanished but never forgotten.

Family

                              A Dysfunctional Family versus a Traditional Family

I believe history proves both types of family have failures as well as victories.

My earliest recollection was vague but I was two and my grandfather had come to take me home from Camden, New Jersey on a train.  My memory is of a loud noise when two trains passed close to one another.  I had dreams of the incident but that is total recall.  All he ever revealed of the trip was train and some nice lady took me to the restroom for him.

The next thing was I was five and mama was sitting on the porch in front of our house and called me to sit on her lap and asked if I would like to have a new daddy.  You see my parents divorced and that was why I was coming home with my grandfather.

With all divorce come consequences and most of the time the children bear the brunt.  Kids would ask me, why my last name was different from my parents.  Later my boy friends father told him he needed to not date me because I came from a home where my parents were divorced.  Today a kid might laugh at that but back then divorce was not common as drinking water.  It was looked at for what it is, a disgrace and people did it as a last resort.

The Bible says when two are married they become one.  When they divorce they become half.  (my view). And then the scripture states a house divided against itself cannot stand.

My family was halved.  One half never existed for me.  My mother, grandfather, grandmother, and great grandmother were the family until age 5 then my step father made 6 and later my sister made 7 of the original family.

We had no Aunts and Uncles since my mother was an only child.  So we had great Aunts and great Uncles on my grandmothers’ side and my grandfathers’ side.  Granddaddy had one living sister and brother.  The sister never married and the brother had a wife and 3 girls.  Granny had two brothers and one sister (who had one son the same age as my mother).  One brother was a bachelor and the other had two daughters.  So those were the extensions of family we grew up with.  My sister was 7 years difference in age which along with her shyness and my forwardness certainly made for a mix. 

However, we were all family and my stepfather’s family lived in Idaho.  A large family we were able to see 3 times in our life time. 

Remember I told my family was cut in half then another half was grafted in.  So now we are a whole family, not original but somewhat whole.  However, my grandmother came from a traditional family remained a traditional family but then one day an argument arose and her bachelor brother who had loaned her and mama some quilting frames made some remark about her not bringing them back and granny got mad.  She and mama loaded them in the back of the truck and we took them to his house.  He was a Scott with their family nature and he threw them back in the truck and said he never meant for her to bring them home early.  Unfortunately they hit my leg and another family was divided.  This time it was the children.  My grandmother did make one attempt to resolve the division but by now his pride was so involved and perhaps his age and he died separated.  Such a waste!

Eddie and I reared our family with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and we embraced them all.  We were a traditional family and I vowed never to have my family divided.  I saw the mistakes and said never will those happen to me.  I made my husband first and my children were first right after him.  This will work I said.  They will all have unconditional love.

Eddie came from a traditional family and for him it was all roses and his family all close.  After the children were grown that family had divisions, but his mother had a family of 8 siblings.  One sibling remains.  He will be 100 years old September 28, 2015.  All the children held each other in high esteem and remained close friends always together until death did they part.  However, divorce halved a couple of them also.  It isn’t a respecter of persons.

So here we see no matter traditional or dysfunctional there are always failures and victories.  The sadness come when we are a part of a divided family whether husband and wife or sister and brother or brother and brother.  It is painful and that sin will pass down from generation to generation just as prophesied.  And the road in which those on the journey will be strewed with pieces of broken hearts until one stands again and says I will not let this happen in my family yet perhaps she forgot to put it in the hearts of her children so that when they grew up they would realize family is the hub that holds the spokes that turns the wheel.  Then she with all her determination finds she lies on the road with all the other broken hearts. 

Don’t be that person.  Teach your children the importance of family and unconditional love.  I thought I had.

Romans 12:18 If, it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.