Guess it has been some time since I have been here. This morning seems to be one of those mornings when conviction came pretty vicious. Studying "Me Myself and Lies" by Jennifer Rothschild is pretty thought provoking.
What are the words that stir up anger in my thought closet? This seemed to be fairly difficult for me to wrap my head around. I know what causes anger within me but to formulate it into words seems to escape my mind.
I know as I tried to fill in the blanks about Gasoline words. Her remarks, "Gasoline words always make things worse. When we're quick to judge, to accentuate flaws and to criticize, our words make flickers burst into flames and emotions spiral."
"Can you think of a time when the gasoline (harsh) words you spoke to yourself stirred up your anger?" Yes I can! Right after I read Face book and read the adjective my grand daughter had
used and thought well, all who read that will think................
We are to look for truth in this study that I am in. I am to look for truth. Not my truth but truth that only the Lord describes or justifies as correct. My truth is I want to fix everybody and everything and I am the one that needs fixed the most and I don't seem to have enough faith to fix me. Every time I have a thought I want to share it. Every time I have a feeling I want to express it. I keep thinking maybe it will be of use to somebody else if for no other reason they might think someone cares. And every time I do it seems like I look like an idiot. Oh! there is one of those words I keep in my thought closet that I am suppose to clean out and replace with truth. Lord where is the scripture that I am not an idiot?
Isaiah 43:1-2 But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name; thou are mine.
When thou passeth through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee; when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
Well it doesn't say I am not an idiot but it sure makes me feel better that he has called me by name and I am his.
I had the audacity to write to a preacher not just an ordinary layman but a preacher and ask him to please for me to find his quiet place and just sit and listen for the Lord and I knew he would receive peace in his storm of bad health. Maybe not the answers he sought but peace. Can you believe this? Ah! but you see, in my heart, in my truth, somehow I thought this would make him know he was loved and somebody cared. I even prayed the words would somehow touch his heart and give him a sense of comfort. My thought closet said, "you are stupid, you should never have done that, what is wrong with you, who do you think you are? Hmmm, I am thinking what scripture would best show truth to my thought closet on this one. I had Jennifer's suggestion on the other one.
1 Thessalonians 4:18 "Wherefore comfort one another with these words. Well those words of comfort are relating to the Lord's return and we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them" (the ones who sleep in the grave)" in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so shall we ever be with the Lord."
Well I didn't have that thought in my mind when I was comforting him, but if things do not turn it very well could be that would be the words of comfort to his family later. This man has been such an inspiration to me. His willingness to go to work for the Lord and to witness to others. I just hurt on the inside and I asked the Lord, "why now?" He has such a good work that you began in him. "Why now should he face such serious health issues?" I am so glad I know the God that has power to answer these questions and that he controls the life and not me. And he doesn't need me to comfort anybody, but he did tell me in his word to love my neighbor as myself. I would want to be comforted by knowing someone cared. That would be a comfort to me anytime anywhere.
I posted a photo of my father and mother on Face book. My intent real truth in the beginning? It was because I hoped Aaron and his wife would see it and perhaps she would look a little more diligently into getting her friend to look up the genealogy and maybe find something out about where I came from? What does it matter now that I am 65 years old?
My intentions were to clue some father out there that by not loving their daughters that it would be difficult for them to ever believe God loved them. Pretty strong thought process there. But for the grace of God I would be headed for hell today and I can assure you that I was deeply troubled for many years and some say it is because it is very difficult for a girl to believe God loves her when she does not believe her father loved her and more especially if he never existed for her other than in a photo that she never saw until she was grown.
I am not better than anyone that allows themselves to be drug down in self pity. I think in many ways I am burned out on it. I did enough of it for 50 years to choke an ox so I try really hard to just pick myself up by the collar and kick my self in the rear and say get over it most of the time. However, since I am so sensitive to rejection I do struggle with it. The truth is we are all responsible for what we do and say and it doesn't matter what our back ground was. We must face our demons and blame ourselves for our actions or maybe another way to say that would be to accept responsibility for our own actions.
Guilt is a mean bed fellow. I believe right along with being too busy, discouragement and some of his other tools that Satan has a real big handle on this one. I don't know why I will judge someone as I seem to do. I know I hate sin and I know what it's consequences are and I would do all in my power to say or do what I could to keep anyone from falling into my pit, but why I judge I do not understand. If I were speaking in the flesh I might say that I wish I had the nerve to have done all that some think I have done but in the Spirit I say O' God forgive me for what I thought about doing and almost did. So many times I have asked myself what kept me from crossing the lines? Most of the time I don't think I had a thing to do with it. It was always someone else that had the control or good sense to avoid destroying their lives.
Am I so self righteous that I stand in judgment of others? I don't think so. Guilt is my middle name and sin is my game and I never doubt for one second what a sinner I am. It is the issue of inside me I never wanted to be, I fought it with all my heart, I always wanted to serve the Lord and I still do. It is that other little word in my thought closet that eats me alive. His name is failure. On the outside it may seem like the ones I seem to judge do not care. On the inside are they too struggling and want to overcome their faults?
Scripture teaches if we sin in one we are guilty of all the commandments. So in this I am guilty of all. Therefore if I am guilty of all, my question is this? If I truly believe that why am I so appalled at watching others break one law when they too may not indulge in breaking all of them but this one shines bright for all the world to see. Is sin not sin? Why do I care? Even better why do I try to say things that might convict them of what the Lord has said? They have the same opportunity to read the Word, the same Holy Spirit that saved, redeemed, convicts and keeps my soul is right out there for them too.
I know these things in my head. Yet in my heart I remember...........................how it feels to not know your father, to wonder what was wrong with me that he never even wanted to see me? What was wrong with me that ..............and I could go on and on and on. But what good would it do if I did so? Poor me. Mistreated me. Unloved me. Sinful me. Failure me. Oh! yes Lord there are those words in that thought closet that need to be cleansed by only your truth because thankfully, wonderfully, miraculously, they are already covered by your blood.
Basically this morning I asked the Lord, not in these words but my heart was screaming them anyway, you see I guess I wasn't even being honest or truthful in my heart felt praying. I was saying do you really love me Lord? Do I believe in you? Do I have enough faith to ever live better?
What I said was Lord where do I go but to you. If I cannot feel your presence I am nothing. I am nothing without you. And all I had was Jennifer Rothschild's verse Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words sir up anger.
And I quit praying and I quit studying and grabbed this computer and began to write. I will journal and write for myself. My self centered, self righteous, needy self. I cannot hurt anyone, offend anyone nor help anyone by writing to myself. I didn't offer to write it to them. I don't believe they care and I don't want to be accused of being on a pity party for feeling that way. I am a human and I have hurts and needs and I bleed just like every one else does. So why shouldn't I at least be able to write it down and read it and discern which is actual truth and fiction and why do I care what others think? Will they stand at that judgment seat and judge me? No only Christ Jesus will and he knows my heart, my life, my thoughts and my desires and He will be my judge.
And now I have poured gasoline on my heart because I feel angry. Really angry. I am angry because nobody cares, I am angry because I do care. I am angry because I have no control over any of it. I am angry because I have that sinful pride in me even though I don't want to admit that to my heart. Why did my children not all stay in Church and do the Lord's work. We took them to Church, I surely preached enough to them they should all be prophets, Their daddy was alway the perfect one that never stumbled or fell, they can sing, talk, walk, even help the sick but will they serve and teach their children about Jesus? Want judgmental statements. Well there is a good one for you.
Oh I hate it when I see others that theirs are all in there pitching a good front. I hate it because they don't rise up and call me blessed. I hate it because their daddy is not sitting in the street with others passing by and knowing he is the honored father of a family. I hate it and I hate being angry about it and I am typing words as I feel them and where is that feeling coming from? I bet my hat it is not from my spiritual man? But I bet you it has been stored up in my thought closet long enough to choke me to death. Why did Eddie not love me enough to fight for me? Why has he always lifted every one else up higher than me? Why did he not stand up and fight for me?
Why didn't anyone just want me and love me the way I am? Why couldn't he accept I was a chatter box and wanted to go barefooted even in his precious aunts house. Why was I such an embarrassment to him? Why was I not good enough to be his wife in the eyes of his mother. Why did Grady's daddy tell him that I was not good enough to marry because my mother was a divorcee? Why did Bobbie Jo embarrass me and ask me if I never stopped talking?
Oh my dear God! WHY? Why are the hurts still there? Why am I reliving all this now? What is it I am still seeking? I'm exhausted. I want to run away to a high mountain with a little log cabin by a stream where nobody lives nearby. A place where I never have to interact with another human being and feel I have hurt or failed them or have them hurt or fail me. But if I went they would all be there still not loving me, not wanting me, not accepting me and I would still have all the hurtful feelings because they live in my head.
Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy loving-kindness; according unto the multitudes of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. Behold I was shapen in iniquity and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, thou desireth truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. Purge me with hyssop,, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou has broken may rejoice. Hide thy face from my sins. and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation; and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall show forth thy praise. For thou desireth not sacrifice; else would I give it, thou delightest not in burn offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart O God thou wilt not despise. Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion; build thou the walls of Jerusalem. Then thou shalt be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon mine altar. Psalms 51
And this is my story this is my song that I may serve my Saviour all the day long. Isn't it amazing how quickly his written word can pour water on that gasoline fire and cause me to know that he is God and he is my Savior and he even loves me....
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